Last Sunday, I felt that I needed to share my testimony during sacrament meeting. I thought about my faith in God and how important it is in my life. The more I tried to put my thoughts into words, the more emotional I got and I couldn't get up. My mind has been full since then and I decided to write down my thoughts instead.
A few months ago, I got a mustard seed necklace while studying the topic of faith with Inklings Institute. The catalyst for this study comes from a quote from President Nelson in April 2021. "Start today to increase your faith. Through your faith, Jesus Christ will increase your ability to move the mountains in your life, even though your personal challenges may loom as large as Mount Everest."
I wore this necklace frequently until the chain broke. Then I bought a new chain and wore it every single day for a while, not taking it off at all. I felt a profound need to cling to my faith, knowing that some of my problems are completely out of my hands and I need God's help. After a while, I wanted to have the mustard seed reminder every day while still being able to wear other necklaces, so I added a lobster clasp and put it on my watch band. I frequently find myself fiddling with the charm and I have grown to love the physical reminder of the special relationship I have with my Heavenly Father.
As I have pondered why I value my faith so much, I thought about my faith throughout my life. I believe one of my spiritual gifts is the gift of faith (1 Corinthians 12:9). I have always had faith in God. Over time, I have seen my faith change me as a person. When I was young, I tried to be obedient to God's commandments because of my faith. I believe this was a very good thing, but it started out very transactional. If I ____, God will ____. This was an important part of my spiritual development. I even mark my scriptures with one color for the things I am asked to do and another color for the promised blessings and I love seeing the Lord's willingness to bless us.
I believe this is a great way to start viewing faith. This is strengthened every day as I study the scriptures. When people trust in God, He helps them through their trials. I have studied many stories that support this facet of faith and, more importantly, have had many personal experiences where God has been in my story, helping and blessing me.
Over time, my faith is continuing to evolve. Elder D. Todd Christofferson shared a great analogy in April 2022. "Some misunderstand the promises of God to mean that obedience to Him yields specific outcomes on a fixed schedule... But things are not so mechanical in the divine economy. We ought not to think of God’s plan as a cosmic vending machine where we (1) select a desired blessing, (2) insert the required sum of good works, and (3) the order is promptly delivered. God will indeed honor His covenants and promises to each of us... The atoning power of Jesus Christ... ensures that God can and will fulfill His promises. It is essential that we honor and obey His laws, but not every blessing predicated on obedience to law is shaped, designed, and timed according to our expectations. We do our best but must leave to Him the management of blessings, both temporal and spiritual."
I find myself progressing away from this cosmic vending machine view towards a less structured view. I have noticed that even though daily prayer and scripture study are still very much a part of my day, it has gone beyond the checklist mentality. My prayers have become more than just what I pray when on my knees, more about my thoughts yearning towards Him many times during the day. These rituals are an important part of who I am - they are changing me. Using a scientific analogy, I feel like I'm experiencing less of a physical change and more of a chemical change, like my essence is changing through my faith. This reminds me of Alma the younger, who described his father Alma by saying, "According to his faith there was a mighty change wrought in his heart." (Alma 5:12)
These thoughts of my progression of faith were already swirling in my mind this week as I studied the talk by Elder Larry S. Kacher from April 2022. He described my change of faith, almost like he was describing my own experiences. "But as we move toward true faith in Jesus Christ, our mindset begins to change. We recognize that obedience and faith in the Savior qualify us to have His Spirit always to be with us. Obedience is no longer an irritant but becomes a quest. We recognize that obedience to God’s commands enables us to be trusted of Him. With His trust comes increased light. This light guides our journey and allows us to see more clearly the path we should take. But there is more. As our faith in the Savior increases, we observe a subtle shift that includes a divine understanding of our relationship with God—a steady movement away from 'What do I want?' to 'What does God want?' Like the Savior, we want to act 'not as I will, but as thou wilt.' We want to do God’s work and be an instrument in His hands... Unbelief blocks our ability to see miracles, whereas a mindset of faith in the Savior unlocks the powers of heaven."
How has this change come about for me? As already mentioned, I think the main foundation has been daily prayer and scripture study over the course of many years. This is not to say I have prayed and studied every single day. There have been several periods of time that were distinctly lacking, and the intensity of both ebbs and flows all the time. But the overall trend has been mostly consistent.
Over the last few months especially, I have struggled with multiple problems that have really stretched my faith and forced me to do a lot of soul searching, studying, pondering, and praying. I have started attending the temple at least once a week and found I love going to the temple by myself, where I can ponder more clearly. Again, this is becoming a part of who I am, not just a checklist.
I love the idea from Elder Kacher of a mindset of faith because I have been at points where I had two choices: have faith in God or don't. We've heard that love is a choice, an action. I believe the same is true for faith. When standing on a precipice, I have chosen faith again and again. As I continue to choose faith, the Lord continually blesses me with peace. This is not the same as continuous peace. It's like I'm jumping from one rock of peace to another in a big river. Sometimes these rocks are too far apart to jump, so sometimes I'm swimming on my own until I can get to the next rock. But the Lord always helps me feel more peace before I drown. This process repeats, sometimes with different problems and sometimes with the same one, over and over.
A friend recently recommended I read the BYU speech "Stand Forever" by Lawrence E. Corbridge. The entire speech is fabulous and I highly recommend it. He talks about primary questions and secondary questions. "Answer the primary questions first. Not all questions are equal and not all truths are equal. The primary questions are the most important. Everything else is subordinate. There are only a few primary questions... (1) Is there a God who is our Father? (2) Is Jesus Christ the Son of God, the Savior of the world?" As I focus on the primary questions first and trust God to help me sort the secondary questions gradually, I can continue to have faith in Him even when I don't know all of the answers.
I know there is a God. I know His Son is the Savior of the world. I trust Him to guide me. I know He loves my children and that He will guide them. I don't have to solve all the problems in the world, but I can be an instrument in His hands to serve others one by one and leave the rest to Him. I thank Him every day for my faith. I feel like I'm just touching the tip of the iceberg in my journey of faith, and I can't wait to see what's next.
